R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
