Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
