life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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