My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
