broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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