I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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