After last night, I could never be a politician.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
