He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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