I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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