No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize