life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
