Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
