My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
