My Higher Power is John Stamos
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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