i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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