When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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