I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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