put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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