I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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