yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
