I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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