Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize