so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
