You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
