i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
