I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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