I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
