i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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