Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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