I wish I could punch you in the face.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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