Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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