Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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