I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
