rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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