this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
