that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
