Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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