he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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