I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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