everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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