I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
