im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
