Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
