My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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