"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
