my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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