I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
