cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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