did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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