We named our party play list daddy issues
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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