Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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