yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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