i already hear my dad disowning me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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