new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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