He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
