sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She's not a foreskin expert like you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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