Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
