Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
