I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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