I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
