It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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