So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize